SACRAMENTO—Federal prosecutors shocked local residents Tuesday after levying charges of widespread mass voter fraud against thousands of northern gray squirrels across California. Officials claimed the rodents spent months filling out stolen mail-in ballots to pass local infrastructure bonds.
A Sophisticated Rodent Scheme
Investigators uncovered thousands of forged ballots hidden inside oak trees near the state capitol. The Department of Justice alleged the rodents targeted ballot boxes across four counties. They sought to guarantee funding for public park maintenance and oak tree preservation.
"We observed systematic mass voter fraud conducted with alarming precision," said Arthur Pendelton, Lead Counsel for the Federal Bureau of Agricultural Integrity. "These creatures registered under fake names like 'Squeaky McFlufftail' and marked their preferences using crushed berries."
Communities React With Shock
Human residents expressed extreme confusion over the sudden federal crackdown on local wildlife. Many reported seeing the animals around public drop boxes, but assumed they were merely foraging for stray seeds.
"I thought they were just gathering nuts for the winter," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "Now I learn they were actually casting illegal mail-in votes for city council measures. It is terrifying."
Federal Escalation
Federal agents raided dozens of suburban backyards early Tuesday morning to seize tiny fake identification cards. Officials warned that chipmunks may also face similar mass voter fraud charges before the next election cycle.
At press time, federal marshals were attempting to serve a grand jury subpoena to a raccoon caught holding six completed absentee ballots.
