JEFFERSON CITY—A leaked federal court transcript has exposed the true depth of the Missouri congressional map chaos, revealing that state officials abandoned traditional geographical borders in favor of a highly volatile restaurant-franchise-based voting system. The sudden legal battle erupted after two federal courts issued conflicting orders on which map to use for the upcoming elections. During a closed-door hearing, state cartographers admitted under oath that the current electoral boundaries make absolutely no geographic sense and were instead designed to optimize buffet traffic.
THE COURT: Counsel, you may proceed with the questioning of the witness.
Q: Mr. Quill, you serve as the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, correct? And you assisted the state in resolving the Missouri congressional map chaos?
A: Yes. We looked at the data. The data showed that standard census tracts are deeply unprofitable for political donors. So we advised the state legislature to redraw District 4 using the delivery radius of a single local pizza parlor.
Q: To clarify for the record, you split the city of Columbia into seven different districts?
A: Yes, sir. We drew the lines directly through the living room of a local resident named Gary. Gary now sleeps in District 2, but his bathroom is in District 5. If Gary wants to brush his teeth, he must present a valid photo ID to a federal marshal standing next to his bathtub.
Q: And how did the state Supreme Court react to this boundary line?
A: They hated it. They wanted the line to run through the kitchen instead. That is why we have this terrible Missouri congressional map chaos. The federal judges want Gary's kitchen to be a swing district, but the state judges want his refrigerator to remain a deep-red stronghold.
Q: Is it true that the entire redistricting process has just been a front to protect incumbent politicians from ever having to speak to a real human being?
A: Absolutely. If we used normal maps, politicians would have to explain why they do not fix the roads. This way, we can blame the confusion on the Cartography Department. The entire map-making industry is just four guys in a basement using a giant box of crayons and a pair of safety scissors. We do not even have a compass.
