NEW YORK—A federal court entered the new Blondie album into evidence on Thursday during an ongoing antitrust investigation into the music business. Prosecutors allege major labels forced indie icons into guest spots to manipulate algorithms.
Q: Please state your name and position for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Vance. I am the Senior Executive Vice President of Guest Appearance Coercion at Universal Music Group.
Q: Mr. Vance, let us talk about the new Blondie album, titled High Noon. How did Johnny Marr end up playing guitar on the lead single, 'Spectral Eyes'?
A: We cornered him in a Manchester pub. We threatened to delete his original Rickenbacker guitars from history unless he recorded three riffs.
The Guest List Strategy
Q: What about Glen Matlock of the Sex Pistols? Was his involvement voluntary?
A: Absolutely not. We held his punk credentials hostage. We promised to tell the press he secretly loved Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals if he refused the bass session.
Q: That sounds like extortion. Did you also target Beirut’s Zach Condon for this new Blondie album?
A: Yes. We told Mr. Condon we would legally ban the use of accordions in indie rock nationwide. He folded in five minutes and tracked his trumpet parts.
A Systemic Industry Pattern
Q: So this collaborative record is actually the product of industry-wide blackmail?
A: Well, yes. That is just how the business works. How do you think Marcus Bellweather, Spotify’s Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence, gets tracks onto the 'Mid-Morning Panic Attack' playlist? He threatens executives with acoustic cover albums.
Q: Are you telling this court that every major release is an illegal cartel operation?
A: Of course. Nobody makes music because they want to. We force them so streaming servers do not catch fire.
At press time, the judge immediately impounded the record and sentenced the entire music industry to five years of mandatory silence.
