Music
Olivia Rodrigo’s New Single ‘the cure’ Actually Cures Nothing
Experts warn against self-medicating with new track, cite potential for existential dread.
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Music
Phil Collins Health Improves, Still Too Healthy To Sing At Rock Hall
Sources confirm the music legend now only suffers from an inexplicable aversion to microphones.
Music
‘It Takes Two’ Finally Flatlines: Rob Base Anthem Deemed Legally Deceased
Iconic hip-hop anthem ‘It Takes Two’ declared legally deceased after decades of relentless play, its legacy complicated by overuse.
Music
Dua Lipa Concert Film Now Legally Binding Travel Document
Dua Lipa Concert Film ‘Live From Mexico’ has audiences convinced they’ve actually traveled, prompting real-world customs checks and calls for a digital passport.
Music
Jazz Trombonist Ryan Porter Dead At 46, Trombone Sales Skyrocket
Following the tragic news that Jazz Trombonist Ryan Porter Dead At 46, an unprecedented surge in trombone popularity has left music stores empty.
Music
Veeze’s ‘Y’all Won’ Mixtape Sparks Widespread Confusion, Unwanted Victories
Veeze’s surprise mixtape, *Y’all Won*, has left listeners bewildered. The album’s title has sparked an existential crisis about what exactly was won.
Music
Feeble Little Horse Announces ‘Bitknot,’ Promising More Feeble Little Horse
Feeble Little Horse announces ‘Bitknot,’ their new album. Expect more of the same, but definitely with a new title.
Music
Ultra Lights Announce Debut Album, Pleasures All Yours, Promise Total Satisfaction
Ultra Lights’ debut album ‘Pleasure’s All Yours’ promises total satisfaction with its blend of indie and post-punk.
Music
Karly Hartzman Reviews Gary Stewart Biography, Becomes Honky-Tonk Enthusiast
Karly Hartzman’s review of ‘Gary Stewart: I Am From The Honky-Tonks’ inspired a honky-tonk transformation.
Music
Steep Canyon Rangers Celebrate 25 Years By Accidental Fire Alarm Malfunction
The Steep Canyon Rangers celebrate 25 years with a new album and a series of accidental fires. Revisiting musical foundations became a smoky affair.
Music
Lola Young Shares James Blake & Jameela Jamil Collab ‘From Down Here’
Lola Young surprises with ‘From Down Here,’ a collaboration featuring James Blake and Jameela Jamil. The track drops amidst the singer’s hiatus.
Music
GOP Pulls Iran War Resolution, Citing “Logistical Harmony”
Party leadership dodges embarrassing peace, ensures continued strategic ambiguity.
Music
Widemouth ‘Raincoat’ Single Causes Unprecedented Localized Precipitation
Widemouth’s new single “Raincoat” has been linked to bizarre, localized precipitation events, baffling scientists and boosting rain gear sales.
Music
Google Completes Fitbit Identity Erasure, Unveils ‘Unit 734’ Program
Google officially completed its Fitbit Identity Erasure this week. Users of the new Google Health app now report serene compliance and a unified sense of purpose.
Science
SpaceX Starship Flight 12 Scrubs for ‘Emotional Support’
The SpaceX Starship Flight 12 launch was scrubbed, not due to mechanical issues, but for the rocket’s ’emotional well-being.’ Company cites ‘existential dread.’
Music
Dua Lipa’s ‘Live From Mexico’ Captures End Of Era, Starts New One
Dua Lipa’s ‘Live From Mexico’ concert film marks the ‘end of an era’ but sparks radical optimism. Stream it now for pure joy.
Politics
House Republicans Scrap Vote To Rein In Trump’s War In Iran, Cite ‘Better Ideas’
House Republicans scrap vote to rein in Trump’s war in Iran, prioritizing beige paint and snack options.
Music
Jordan Patterson’s ‘Songs From A Valley Girl’ Only Audible in Valley
Jordan Patterson’s new EP ‘Songs From A Valley Girl’ has a highly specific target demographic. It is reportedly only audible within the San Fernando Valley.