MEMORANDUM
TO: All Joint Chiefs and Pentagon Event Staff
FROM: Donald Vance, Chief of Strategic Solemnity
DATE: September 11, 2026
SUBJECT: Special guidelines for Donald Trump 25th anniversary speech
We must keep this ceremony completely focused on the tragedy. Our primary goal remains honoring the brave first responders. However, the guest of honor presents unique rhetorical challenges. We have drafted a highly specific script to prevent the former president from rating the architectural integrity of the Pentagon. Staff must strictly enforce these guidelines.
Phase One: The Red Bandana Strategy
"We have replaced all standard patriotic imagery with physical, high-contrast props," said Donald Vance, Chief of Strategic Solemnity. "We discovered that if we show him a physical red bandana, we can keep him talking about heroes. If he sees a microphone alone, he will immediately pivot to his crowd sizes at the 2016 inauguration. We cannot let that happen again during a moment of silence."
Staff must physically wave the red bandana if his speech mentions crowd size, polling numbers, or his golf game. This visual cue will immediately redirect his attention back to the historical sacrifices of the day.
Phase Two: Crowd Control Protocols
"Our biggest fear is a crowd chant," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the event's acoustic dampening. "If the crowd starts cheering, his brain automatically enters rally mode. We have installed acoustic baffles to absorb any spontaneous applause. The silence must remain absolute, or he will start talking about sharks and electric boats."
We hope these protocols allow us to honor the victims with the dignity they deserve. If all else fails, we will cut the power to his podium and blame a local squirrel. We must protect our brand reputation at all costs.
