BEIJING— Chinese aerospace officials demanded a SpaceX Raptor 3 engine yesterday. They claimed their current space program lacks adequate rumbling noises. The nation wants the Raptor 3 engine to restore national pride and rattle some windows. Experts say the current Chinese fleet sounds incredibly weak during liftoff.
1. The Current Fleet Only Squeaks
China's current rockets make a high-pitched, pathetic whistling sound upon ignition. "It sounds like a wet slide whistle," said Dr. Junping Zhao, Director of the Beijing Noise and Propulsion Ministry. He noted that the Raptor 3 engine produces a deep, satisfying bass that makes people tremble.
2. Local Birds Are Not Even Scared
Current launches fail to startle local wildlife. Birds merely tilt their heads when a Chinese rocket ascends. "We want a rumble that clears the entire province," Zhao added. The agency hopes the Raptor 3 engine will finally terrify regional sparrows.
3. Dads Against Bass Have Registered Objections
The sudden demand for louder engines has alarmed international acoustics experts. "This is a clear violation of global noise etiquette," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. Calhoun warned that a Raptor 3 engine in Asia would ruin patio conversations in Oregon.
4. The Propulsion Tests Use Cardboard Megaphones
Engineers currently tape mega-megaphones to the base of their boosters. The strategy has failed to emulate the throaty roar of American spacecraft. Technicians reportedly tried to mimic the Raptor 3 engine by shouting into empty trash cans.
5. China Will Just Hum the Engine Sound on TV
If negotiations fail, state media will manually dub heavy metal riffs over all future launch broadcasts. "At press time, Chinese scientists are practicing their deepest throat-singing to mimic the Raptor 3 engine during next week's lunar mission."
