TO: All Global Facilitators, Synergy Leads, and Audio Curators
FROM: Human Assets & Brand Preservation Division
RE: Immediate Purge of Reggie Watts Audio Stems
Please read this directive immediately. Effective at 09:00 EST today, this company has officially severed all ties with the artist. We have initiated the process to have Reggie Watts dropped from all audio-visual properties. This decision follows recent distressing public reports regarding his personal conduct and relationship dynamics.
Phase One: Immediate Sonic Erasure
Our priority remains the absolute safety of our brand portfolio. We must ensure Reggie Watts dropped status is reflected in every digital asset. Do not play his comedy specials in the breakrooms. Delete his beatboxing tutorials from the shared drive. We must cleanse our corporate ecosystem of any multi-layered vocal loops.
"We are taking a zero-tolerance stance on rhythmic mouth-sounds," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We cannot have our quarterly slide decks accompanied by avant-garde soul-funk. The brand demands silence until we can source a safer, more predictable loop-pedal artist."
Phase Two: Podcast and Festival Compliance
Our legal team has contacted all regional coordinators. They have confirmed that Reggie Watts dropped listings will extend to the upcoming Q4 Wellness Summit. If your local branch has programmed a transition chime featuring his voice, delete it. Replace it with standard MIDI elevator chords.
At press time, we must confess this action has also successfully reduced our annual licensing overhead by forty percent, which was our primary goal anyway.
