TO: All Customer Experience Associates
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at NIPSCO
DATE: August 23, 2024
RE: Scripting for the ongoing power grid outage in Gary, Indiana
Team, we must change the narrative. Customers have endured this power grid outage for nearly two weeks. They keep calling about spoiled meat. They complain about the dark. We need to reframe their lack of electricity as a premium lifestyle choice.
A Minimalist Lifestyle
Do not apologize for the dark. Instead, congratulate the customer. Tell them they are participating in our new 'Ancestral Minimalism' pilot program. The Northern Indiana Public Service Company does not fail. We merely curate unplugged experiences. Remind them that early humans survived this way for millennia.
"We are shifting our focus from delivery to vibe curation," said Marcus Bellweather during a leaked audio briefing. "A power grid outage is not a failure of infrastructure. It is a bold rejection of screen time. We are helping people touch grass in the dark."
The Script
If a customer complains about heat, use these exact talking points:
- Sweat is just your body's natural screen saver.
- Warm refrigerators allow yogurt to fulfill its destiny.
- Candlelight makes your moldy drywall look romantic.
"My family is currently enjoying the vibe," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret. "We do not need the power grid outage to end. We have learned to communicate through interpretive grunting. It has saved our marriage."
Please memorize these points by tomorrow. Do not mention that we spent the grid maintenance budget on a corporate retreat to Tahiti. If someone asks about the downed poles, tell them the trees are just hugging the wires.