FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LUSAKA— Global music icon Sampa The Great recently announced her upcoming third studio album, Nu Zamrock. Along with the announcement, she released the infectious lead single “Simon Says.” However, the rollout came to an immediate halt today. Global distribution networks froze all assets. Listeners worldwide refuse to stop playing the track. They claim the song title constitutes a legally binding command.
The Simon Says Dilemma
Industry executives expressed severe concern over the physical limitations of the new release. The track commands listeners to dance. Because the artist did not say “Simon says” before the outro, thousands of fans remain frozen in place. They await the next official audio cue. Streaming platforms report millions of users stuck in a perpetual loop.
“We are experiencing unprecedented user retention,” said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. “Normally, we control user behavior. Now, a simple playground rule governs our entire active user base. People are refusing to go to work. They are waiting for Sampa to tell them to put their hands down.”
Legal Ramifications of Nu Zamrock
Legal teams are scrambling to draft a corrective audio edit. The label hopes to insert the phrase “Simon says you can go to sleep” into the metadata. Until then, the release of the full Nu Zamrock album remains on indefinite hold. Music critics praise the bold marketing strategy. However, emergency services urge caution.
“We wanted to revolutionize the Zamrock genre,” said Alistair Finch, Head of Audience Obedience at Ninja Tune. “We did not expect the literal interpretation of the lyrics to paralyze the tri-state area. We apologize for any stiff limbs.”
ABOUT BADUM RECORDS: We are a subsidiary of a larger, colder conglomerate. We specialize in releasing music that nobody asked for. We claim no liability for physical injury, hypnosis, or permanent dance-induced fatigue resulting from the Nu Zamrock campaign.
