WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall of the newly minted Congressional Space Medal of Honor. Officials cited a severe gravity defect that poses an immediate risk to orbital safety.
The Gravity Defect
The recall affects all units scheduled for delivery on Friday. Regulators discovered the award weighs too much. The heavy physical medal threatens to pull astronauts straight out of orbit. "The weight of the medal disrupts local gravitational fields," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the sonic vibrations of the metal. "We observed severe drag during simulated space flights. The gold plating creates a dangerous downward pull."
Engineers designed the medal to honor achievements in outer space. However, they forgot to test the item in zero gravity. The agency warns that wearing the award in orbit could cause a sudden re-entry event. It could pull a decorated astronaut through the roof of NASA headquarters.
Affected Units and Remedy
"We urge all recipients to store the award in a lead-lined box," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "Do not wear it while floating. Do not wear it near satellites." The government offers a free replacement. The new version will consist of lightweight papier-mâché.
At press time, officials reported that several medals had already escaped custody and were currently sinking toward the center of the Earth.
