NEW DELHI— The Department of Telecommunications has issued an immediate, mandatory product recall of all Starlink India satellite units currently orbiting above the subcontinent. The recall targets specific hardware that failed to penetrate local airspace due to pre-existing atmospheric dominance by business tycoon Mukesh Ambani. Federal inspectors discovered that the satellites automatically shut down whenever they detected the scent of Reliance Industries petroleum products.
The Ambani Signal Hazard
According to the official recall notice, affected Starlink India units suffer from extreme signal submission. The hardware automatically routes all data packets directly through Antilia, the 27-story private skyscraper owned by Ambani. This routing creates a severe hazard where internet speeds drop to zero unless the user praises the local conglomerate. "We observed our satellites physically tilting away from Delhi," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the safety audit. "The hardware is simply too polite to compete with a man of that stature."
The recall affects approximately 4,500 low-Earth orbit transponders deployed during the initial trial phase. Regulators warn that continuing to operate these units could result in spontaneous corporate mergers. Elon Musk recently questioned this geopolitical hierarchy, asking if Ambani was the actual ruler of the nation's electromagnetic spectrum.
Remedy and Replacement
Consumers must immediately cease attempting to ping the Starlink India constellation. To receive a full refund, users must point their satellite dishes directly at the nearest Reliance digital storefront and recite the corporate charter. "The hardware cannot override the natural laws of Mumbai real estate," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass, who analyzed the satellite interference. "No amount of billionaire energy can pierce a block of solid, family-owned concrete."
The regulator will oversee the controlled de-orbiting of the affected units over the next three weeks. At press time, the recalled satellites were seen burning up in the atmosphere, spelling out the Reliance Industries logo in glowing green space debris.
