WASHINGTON—The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 on Tuesday to allow a new Trump plan to restrict mail-in voting by requiring all ballots to be delivered to local election boards via medieval siege engine.
A Cast-Iron Guarantee
The majority opinion declared that the Constitution does not guarantee a postal worker will physically hold your envelope. It only guarantees that the government must try to get it there. Under the new Trump plan, voters must bring their completed ballots to designated launch sites located in Walmart parking lots. Trained crews of county engineers will then load the ballots into giant wooden catapults.
"We find nothing in the text of the Constitution that forbids the use of counterweights," wrote Chief Justice John Roberts. "A ballot soaring over a highway at ninety miles per hour remains, legally speaking, in transit." Legal experts at the Supreme Court noted the decision would immediately affect several key swing states.
The Trajectory of Democracy
Opponents of the decision expressed immediate concern over accuracy and weather conditions. However, supporters of the initiative dismissed these fears. They claimed the new system would make the voting process much more exciting for younger generations.
"We expect a slight margin of error depending on wind shear," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "However, our simulations show that at least forty percent of the mail-in voting packets will land in the correct county. The rest will simply become part of the local canopy. It is a very green initiative."
At press time, the Court was already preparing to hear arguments on whether voters must provide their own medieval helmets to retrieve their ballots from the rubble of their local city hall.
