TO: All Regional Field Agents
FROM: Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of Sonic Conglomerate Surveillance
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Threat Assessment regarding the upcoming TAGABOW mixtape collaboration
Effective immediately, this office is launching a formal anti-trust investigation into the Philadelphia musical entity known as They Are Gutting A Body Of Water (TAGABOW). Our surveillance confirms their upcoming 29-track release, KOOL FAITH / LOOSIES II, contains too many guests. By collaborating with Toner, Greg Mendez, Spirit of the Beehive, and Hotline TNT, they have effectively cornered the global market on fuzz pedals.
The Monopolization of Lo-Fi
Our economic models show this level of consolidation is highly dangerous. "By merging with A Country Western and Dead Sullivan on a single track, TAGABOW has bypassed traditional supply chains," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "They now control 84% of the nation's reverb reserves. No independent basement band can compete with this mega-merger."
Our field agents must monitor all local basement venues. If you hear a drum machine paired with a heavily distorted guitar, shut it down. We cannot let this TAGABOW mixtape collaboration dictate the price of cassette tapes.
Enforcement Actions
"We tried to warn them during the shoegaze revival of 2022," stated FTC spokesperson Brenda Martinez. "But this new TAGABOW mixtape collaboration is a hostile takeover of the entire American underground. They are hoarding the distortion."
Please note: We are not doing this to protect consumers. We are doing this because the Deputy Director's own synth-pop project was rejected from the tracklist, and we must destroy them. We expect full cooperation in seizing their hard drives before next week's release.
