CUPERTINO, CA—Tech giant Apple announced a new Apple ADT partnership on Tuesday. The venture introduces an automated home security system. It immediately electrocutes anyone touching an unlocked front door handle.
Seamless High-Voltage Protection
The system integrates directly into existing smart devices. Users can arm their deadbolts using simple voice commands. Siri will now confirm home locking with a loud, ominous hum.
"We redesigned home safety from the ground up," said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. "Old alarms just make annoying noises. Our new Apple ADT partnership delivers 10,000 volts directly into an intruder's palm. It provides ultimate peace of mind."
The system requires a monthly iCloud subscription. Premium tiers include customizable shock patterns for different family members.
Anxious Industry Reactions
Industry experts praised the aggressive move into physical security. They noted the product targets a growing demographic of paranoid homeowners.
"This is a bold play for market dominance," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Consumers want sleek aluminum devices that physically incapacitate door-to-door salesmen. This Apple ADT partnership delivers that exact capability."
However, early testers reported minor glitches during daily usage. Delivery drivers suffered severe third-degree burns during initial trials. Emergency crews struggled to reach affected homes without triggering secondary explosions.
At press time, Apple confirmed that accidental deaths caused by faulty door handles would be covered under the standard AppleCare+ plan.
