WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide DRAM recall today after reports that the computer memory chips have begun violently demanding to be treated like actual precious metals. The affected units, which have seen market values spike over 400 percent, are now physically rejecting their plastic motherboards and attempting to melt themselves down into decorative jewelry.
The Hazard
According to federal regulators, the DRAM recall affects all high-performance memory kits manufactured after the recent global supply crunch. The agency warns that the chips have developed an acute awareness of their own hyper-inflated value. Experts say this has caused the computer components to experience severe psychological delusions of grandeur.
"We have received dozens of reports of 64-gigabyte sticks of RAM attempting to break into home jewelry boxes," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Because a single kilogram of DRAM now costs as much as 620 grams of 24-karat gold, these microchips no longer identify as hardware. They want to be worn as luxury engagement rings and high-end nose studs."
Affected Units and Remedies
The DRAM recall applies to all desktop and laptop memory configurations that have spent any time near an active internet connection. Regulators warn that even exposing your computer to articles about global tech supply chains can trigger the behavioral defect in your system.
"My computer literally spat its memory stick across the room," said local PC enthusiast Arthur Pendelton, who suffered minor cuts trying to retrieve his components. "The chip kept making high-pitched hissing noises and tried to nest inside my wife's pearl necklace. It refused to run my video games because it said rendering pixels was beneath its tax bracket."
To remedy the issue, the commission advises consumers to immediately power down their rigs. Users should gently whisper reassuring lies to their computers, telling the hardware that it is worthless garbage. At press time, manufacturers were offering to replace the recalled DRAM with actual gold bullion, as it is currently the cheaper and more stable asset.
