TO: All Retail Team Members
FROM: Corporate Retail Logistics
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Execution Strategy for Unannounced Hardware
CUPERTINO, CA—Recent leaks of our official Apple Store plans reveal that the high-efficiency OLED iPad mini launch will occur sooner than expected. Store leadership must prepare immediately. We need to create maximum artificial scarcity. You must ensure no physical human being ever actually touches this device on launch day.
Deployment Logistics and Display Protocols
“We are engineering a controlled retail bottleneck,” said Marcus Vance, Senior Vice President of Strategic Obfuscation at Apple Inc. “Employees must hide all inventory behind the genius bar. If a customer asks to buy the OLED iPad mini, stare at them in silence for ten seconds. Then offer them a slightly larger polishing cloth instead.”
Retail workers must also strategically leak conflicting launch dates to customers. Furthermore, staff should ensure all display units constantly run battery-draining software updates.
Customer Interaction Guidelines
“The goal is total consumer disorientation,” said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. “By leaking store diagrams to news sites, Apple ensures that consumers spend four months researching a screen tech upgrade they will barely notice.”
Employees must strictly enforce a maximum of one accessory purchase per customer. Staff must also pretend to lose the keys to the back stockroom whenever a potential buyer enters the store.
SIGN-OFF: Remember team, our goal is not to sell tablets. Our goal is to trick people into buying a $900 glass rectangle they will only use to watch YouTube in bed. Burn this memo after reading.
