FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Treasury today announced aggressive expansion of the current U.S. blockade by officially blacklisting Iran’s most prominent imaginary friend, Babak the Sky-Giant. Officials confirmed the move aims to choke the Islamic Republic’s metaphysical trade routes. The new sanctions freeze all of Babak’s assets. They also forbid U.S. citizens from engaging in pretend play with him.
Targeting Metaphysical Trade
“We are leaving no stone unturned,” said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. “For too long, the Iranian regime has used fake companions to bypass financial reality.” She noted that Babak allegedly holds over three billion imaginary gold coins in a cloud fortress. The U.S. government has already pressured The Office of Foreign Assets Control to monitor daydreaming nationwide.
The U.S. blockade has heavily restricted Iran’s physical commerce over recent months. This new phase targets the psychological coping mechanisms of the nation. Economists warn that freezing make-believe assets could trigger a severe crisis of imagination across the Middle East. It may also leave millions of children without their primary pretend playmates.
Boilerplate Government Enthusiasm
“We are proud of our proactive approach,” Holloway added. “Our team works tirelessly to deliver synergy and maximum disruption to invisible entities.” Independent experts remain skeptical of the strategy. They question how the treasury plans to enforce a physical blockade on a creature made entirely of morning mist and childhood wonder.
About the Department of Metaphysical Blockades:
The Department of Metaphysical Blockades is a temporary federal task force. We spend $400 million annually to yell at clouds and throw rocks at shadows. Our main goal is pretending we are winning a trade war against concepts that do not exist.