WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) announced a mandatory recall today of the Westside Cowboy debut album, titled It Goes On, citing severe respiratory hazards. Federal inspectors discovered that the physical and digital files of the highly praised indie rock release emit high concentrations of authentic prairie dust. The agency warns consumers to stop listening to the album immediately.
Hazardous Levels of Britainicana
Government testing confirmed the record contains dangerous levels of what music critics call "Britainicana." This specific blend of UK post-punk and American roots music produces a fine, powdery sediment. The sediment quickly coats turntable needles and digital streaming queues. Over 50,000 units are affected by the order, spanning vinyl, CD, and Spotify streams.
"We detected a 400% increase in localized tumbleweed formations inside listener homes," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "Our acoustic sensors registered dry, whistling wind sounds coming directly from the speakers. This level of dry-climate atmosphere violates federal residential humidity standards." Calhoun advised citizens to wrap their speakers in damp towels.
Remedy and Refund Instructions
The CPSC advises consumers to return the Westside Cowboy debut to their point of purchase for a full refund. Retailers must pull all copies of the album from store shelves immediately. Digital distributors like Apple Music must temporarily replace the audio files with damp, humid synth-pop tracks to neutralize the air quality in user headphones.
"We want to assure the public that we are cooperating fully," said Arthur Pendelton, Chief Safety Officer at the band's record label. "We did not intend to dehydrate our audience. We merely wanted to create a dry, atmospheric indie rock record. We realize now we went too far with the acoustic dust simulator."
At press time, federal agents are wearing hazmat suits to safely transport the remaining inventory of the Westside Cowboy debut to a secure, high-humidity storage facility in the Florida Everglades.
