FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The Department of the Interior announced today that a federal grand jury has indicted a Kentucky woman accused of defacing the World War II Memorial, citing critical damages to the nation's only remaining source of stone. Officials confirmed that the spray paint incident threatened the country's entire strategic granite reserve.
A Devastating Blow to Our Rock Supplies
"We are devastated by this senseless act of home improvement," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The WWII Memorial is not just a monument. It is our emergency stockpile of dark gray mineral blocks. America simply does not have the geological capacity to replace three square inches of defaced surface area."
The suspect reportedly sprayed graffiti on the plaza to capture national attention. However, federal geologists warn that the chemicals in the paint have permanently altered the molecular integrity of the monument. The government must now source replacement particles from deep within the Earth's mantle.
The Critical Granite Shortage
"We must protect our national rocks at all costs," Flense added during the press briefing. "If we lose the granite at this memorial, we will have to start dismantling the Lincoln Memorial just to patch up the sidewalk. We urge all citizens to look at the stones but please do not touch them with your eyes too hard."
ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR:
The Department of the Interior manages America’s vast natural resources. Our primary mission is to guard a collection of very large, very heavy objects that we found lying around in the woods. We have no idea how to make more of them."