CUPERTINO—Tech giant Apple is reportedly developing physical Apple game controllers to turn your sleek mobile device into an expensive console. This corporate pivot promises to revolutionize how you waste your precious time on earth. Industry experts warn that the introduction of Apple game controllers will permanently alter human hand anatomy and social structures.
1. The controller will charge you per button press
Apple will introduce a new micropayment system directly into the hardware. Pressing the 'A' button to jump will cost four cents. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for the Future, notes that 'accidental double-jumps could bankrupt entire suburban families by fiscal Q4.'
2. It requires a dental scan to unlock
Forget thumbprints or facial recognition. The new Apple game controllers use biometric molar scanning to ensure nobody else plays your copy of Candy Crush. If you chip a tooth, you must visit an Apple Store genius bar to regain access to your digital inventory.
3. It will use the Beats brand to look edgy
Apple plans to slap the Beats logo on the plastic casing to trick consumers into thinking the device has street credibility. It will feature massive, non-functional bass subwoofers that vibrate violently against your palms. Your hands will numbly shake for hours after playing a single level of Tetris.
4. The joysticks are made of organic, biodegradable soap
In a bid to meet strict environmental standards, the thumbsticks will slowly dissolve from your hand sweat. A heavy session of Call of Duty will reduce your controller to a sticky, lavender-scented lather. Replacement soap-nobs will retail for ninety-nine dollars each.
5. It will automatically text your ex when you lose
To increase player engagement, the Apple game controllers will monitor your heart rate. The moment the device detects the panic of a virtual defeat, it will draft and send a desperate text to your former partner. At press time, Apple engineers confirmed this feature cannot be disabled without voiding the warranty.
