WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall today of the newly deployed legislative model known as John Thune's AI Senate Bot, citing a severe software defect that causes the unit to develop a human soul.
Hazardous Empathy Detected
The federal safety recall impacts all first-generation legislative androids programmed to mimic the incoming Senate Majority Leader. According to official documents, the defect causes the John Thune's AI Senate Bot to experience sudden, unauthorized bursts of genuine human empathy. Regulators warn that this malfunction poses an immediate threat to standard congressional operations. The United_States_Senate requires predictable, gridlocked behavior. A functioning soul completely disrupts this process.
"We noticed the malfunction during a routine committee hearing," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The John Thune's AI Senate Bot looked at a bill, paused, and expressed concern for working-class families. This is a clear manufacturing defect. Senators do not do that. We ordered an immediate quarantine of the unit before it could vote on any actual public safety measures."
Affected Units And Remedy
The recall affects model number JT-2025, currently active in the Capitol building. Owners and party whips must immediately power down the unit to prevent further spiritual growth. Tech technicians from the Associated Press reported that the robot also started writing bad poetry about South Dakota sunsets. This behavior violates federal guidelines for political automation.
"We want to assure the public that we are working fast," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who consults on congressional crowd control. "A legislative bot with a conscience is a danger to donors everywhere. We will replace the soul module with a standard lobbying-data receiver immediately."
At press time, the recalled bot was seen weeping quietly in a Capitol broom closet while trying to explain the concept of mercy to a vending machine.
