BENTONVILLE, AR—Retail monster Walmart announced a massive new mega-subscription this week. Executive leadership merged two flagship programs into one terrifying mega-plan. Here are six features coming to subscribers of the new Walmart membership bundle:
1. Double-Fisted Bulk Mayonnaise Access
Members can purchase 64-ounce jars at retail stores and 128-ounce buckets at wholesale locations simultaneously. Customers can finally dip giant pretzels into condiment reserves on both sides of town.
2. Priority Parking For Gas Station Arguments
Subscribers gain exclusive right-of-way at branded fuel pumps nationwide. "We want our power users to feel VIP status while yelling at pump screens," said Janet Holloway, Vice President of Corporate Synergies at Walmart.
3. Unlimited Free Express Delivery Of Single Tube Socks
Subscribers no longer need to meet minimum purchase thresholds. A dedicated driver will deliver one lone white sock directly to your porch within forty minutes.
4. Simultaneous Receipt Inspection At Both Exits
Shoppers can experience the joy of security audits at two distinct store formats in a single afternoon. Greeters will cross-examine your cart with enhanced vigor.
5. A Dedicated Concierge To Find Open Registers
A personal shopper will guide you directly to the single active lane in a 200,000-square-foot facility. "Our data shows customers value human contact during 45-minute checkout queues," noted Holloway.
6. Automatic Surrender Of Your Local Town Council
By signing the terms of service, your suburban municipality legally merges into corporate territory. Local zoning boards instantly transfer all commercial authority directly to Bentonville headquarters.
