TO: All DAZE Records Staff
FROM: Gary Thorne, VP of Youth Disruption
RE: Urgent strategy regarding A New Day signed to DAZE
Team, we must act fast. We recently announced A New Day signed to DAZE for their upcoming EP, Held Under An Incandescent Sky. However, intelligence reports indicate lead guitarist Mateo Silva is currently maintaining a 3.8 GPA. This is a PR disaster for our hardcore image. We need to disrupt his homework schedule immediately.
Operation: Heavy Riffs, Low Grades
Our primary goal is to ensure the band members do not finish their algebra homework before the fall tour. "We cannot have a band on our roster understanding quadratic equations," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "It completely ruins the raw, unstudied aesthetic of the '00s metalcore revival. We need them confused by basic math."
Therefore, we are scheduling all band practices during their designated study hall hours. If anyone asks why they are playing melodic breakdowns instead of studying geometry, tell them it is a marketing strategy.
The Beautiful Deception of Higher Education
We must also address their new single, "This Beautiful Deception." We suspect the title refers to the college admissions process. This is dangerous. "If these kids get into UT Austin, we lose our entire Q4 release slate," warned Cheryl Vance, Director of Teen Misdirection. "We need them focused on drop-C tuning, not SAT prep."
Please ensure all promotional packages for the new EP contain zero pencils, zero calculators, and at least three bottles of cheap hair dye.
Sincerely,
Gary Thorne
Dictated but not read because I was trying to skateboard down the office stairs to show the kids I am still cool.
