SAN FRANCISCO—The consumer technology sector braced for impact today as urban developers announced that a new wide foldable smart bench will soon launch in public parks. The massive device aims to compete directly with existing local seating options. Industry insiders warn that municipal infrastructure may not survive the sheer width of the upcoming release.
A Threat to Public Transit
The new wide foldable seating unit features a flexible concrete hinge. It can stretch across four lanes of traffic. "We wanted to create something that completely dominates the horizontal plane," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Why should screens have all the fun? Your buttocks deserve an extreme aspect ratio too."
Local commuters expressed immediate concern over the device. The prototype currently blocks three major bus routes. Pedestrians must climb over the active hinge just to reach the local BART station.
Disruptive Seating Ergonomics
Tech enthusiasts have defended the design. They argue that traditional, non-folding benches are obsolete. "Normal park benches are incredibly static," said Janice Flapjack, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Public Recumbency. "This new wide foldable option allows up to ninety strangers to sit shoulder-to-shoulder. It brings a whole new meaning to user interface."
At press time, city engineers were desperately trying to close the bench to prevent a massive localized eclipse, but the hinge had already gathered too much pocket lint to shut properly.
