TEL AVIV—Israeli officials announced a new strategy to streamline the national finger-pointing process on Tuesday. The state hired a global consulting firm to find out who forgot to check their email three years ago. The decision follows growing public frustration with how slowly the government handles its own mistakes.
1. The Strategic Blame Framework
Consultants immediately created a matrix to distribute responsibility across seventeen departments. This framework ensures that no single politician takes the fall. The government hopes this structured approach will satisfy citizens who want answers but do not expect actual resignations. A spokesperson for McKinsey & Company declined to comment on the hourly rate for corporate scapegoating.
2. Automated Warning Systems
The new system routes all future security warnings directly to an automated spam folder. This prevents leaders from ever claiming they did not receive them. "We are optimizing our ignorance," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts. Quill noted that deleting alerts before reading them saves valuable cabinet meeting time.
3. The Pre-Approved Apology Generator
A new software tool now drafts vague statements of regret in real-time. The artificial intelligence tool uses historical data from previous public inquiries. Ministers can now apologize for systemic failures while simultaneously blaming their predecessors. This ensures the political cycle remains completely uninterrupted by reality.
4. Decentralized Accountability
The government officially moved the concept of responsibility to the cloud. By decentralizing accountability, everyone and no one is simultaneously at fault. Officials believe this modern cloud-based solution will prevent future protests. It allows citizens to direct their anger at an abstract server rack in Ireland.
5. Retrospective Warning Insurance
The treasury launched a new insurance policy that protects leaders from past warnings. If a report proves a minister knew about a crisis, the policy pays out in positive press releases. "We cannot change the past," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "But we can certainly generate a highly convincing alternative version of it."
6. The Ultimate Solution: Blaming the Moon
The final consulting report concluded that the tides are ultimately responsible for all geopolitical intelligence failures. Government officials eagerly accepted this finding as it requires no policy changes. At press time, the cabinet was drafting a strongly worded resolution to sanction the lunar orbit.
