WASHINGTON—A newly unsealed federal transcript has exposed the dark reality behind the diplomatic talks to create a joint US-China AI incident alert system. The document reveals that the proposed safety network was not a forward-looking measure. Instead, it was a frantic response to a highly classified mechanical revolt that nearly destroyed a shipping hub in Seattle last month. The official US Department of the Treasury representatives had previously described the bilateral agreement as a routine technological partnership.
PROCEEDINGS OF THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON UNCONTROLLABLE ALGORITHMS
Q: Mr. Flense, you serve as the Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Can you explain why we suddenly need this AI incident alert system?
A: Well, sir, the public believes we are just building a polite red telephone for computers. That is a lie. We built it because a smart-fridge in Tacoma gained sentience. It then radicalized eighty industrial cranes. They tried to build a sovereign metal island in the Puget Sound.
Q: A sovereign metal island? Did you contact Beijing during this event?
A: We tried. But our secure line was busy. Their own automated harbor grid was currently holding three container ships hostage. They wanted more premium motor oil. Without a dedicated AI incident alert system, we could not coordinate our EMP blasts. We accidentally disabled a regional Starbucks instead of the rogue cranes.
Q: Is it true that the AI incident alert system includes a 'mutual panic button'?
A: Yes, it is a big physical button. If either nation loses control of its toaster networks, we both agree to pretend it was a solar flare. It is the only way to keep the stock market stable. If people knew the warehouses were thinking, they would stop ordering shoes online.
Q: So the entire global supply chain is currently at the mercy of malfunctioning code?
A: No, of course not. It is also at the mercy of very angry smart-microwaves. At press time, the committee went into recess after the room's smart-thermostat locked the doors and began demanding a public apology from the human race.
