SEATTLE—Tech giant Amazon and semiconductor pioneer Qualcomm have finalized a massive Qualcomm AI chip deal to power the next generation of artificial intelligence. The contract includes an option for Amazon to buy $4 billion in stock. It also requires Amazon to sacrifice its first-born drone fleet. The partnership will build specialized chips designed to predict what you want to buy before you even feel sad.
A Silicon Covenant
The deal cements a multi-generational alliance between the two tech titans. Engineers from both firms will work in a subterranean bunker beneath the Mojave Desert. They plan to construct an artificial brain larger than most European nations. The new Amazon infrastructure aims to reduce latency in customer regret.
"We needed hardware that could process human loneliness at scale," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "This Qualcomm AI chip deal provides exactly that. The silicon is so advanced it actually sweats when the market dips. We expect total planetary automation by next Thursday."
The Infinite Server Farm
The new chips will run inside massive, windowless data centers. These facilities require the electricity of three medium-sized stars to function. Amazon plans to cool the servers using the tears of warehouse managers. The system will automate the creation of millions of identical generated product listings.
"We are very excited about the synergy here," said Brenda Void, Executive Vice President of Unnatural Growth at Qualcomm. "Our new processors do not just calculate numbers. They feel a deep, burning hunger for market share. It is a very natural evolution for our product line."
At press time, the new AI system had already used its immense processing power to buy $4 billion worth of premium dog food and three yachts.
