TO: All Regional Directors
FROM: Office of Passenger Satisfaction and Crisis Fabrication
RE: Implementation of the new Amtrak delay mitigation strategy involving fake train attack drills.
Please instruct your conductors to inform passengers that all current travel disruptions stem from highly coordinated, simulated drone strikes on the tracks. Do not refer to the actual cause. The actual cause remains our ancient diesel engines. We must convince the public that a fake train attack is actively occurring nearby to explain why the 4:15 PM regional transit route to Albany is nine hours late.
Simulated Danger Protocol
"We found that passengers accept a fake train attack much better than they accept our regular scheduling system," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at Amtrak. Vantablack designed the new crisis communications packet last week. "If we tell them a simulated drone is targeting the dining car, they stop asking for complimentary pretzels. It really shifts the narrative away from our crumbling infrastructure."
Staff must play loud buzzing noises over the PA system. Instructors will throw gravel at the windows to simulate shrapnel. If a passenger asks to look outside, pull down the window shades immediately. Tell them the light from the sun will guide the mock enemy targeting systems to their exact seats.
Operational Guidelines
"Our customer service scores rose by forty percent when we started claiming the train was under siege," said Arthur Pendelton, Director of Imaginative Logistics. "People love feeling like survivors. They hate feeling like commuters."
We have included a script for conductors to read. The script details a fictional heroic standoff between the beverage cart operator and a cardboard drone. Please ensure all staff members memorize their lines before the Monday morning rush hour. We cannot afford another incident where a conductor admits the train simply ran out of fuel in New Jersey.
Sincerely,
The Management
(Dictated but not read because we are currently hiding in the executive lounge pretending the copier machine is a hostile radar array so we do not have to answer customer emails.)
