MANCHESTER—Fans waiting for the new Andy Stott album finally have an explanation for the half-decade delay. Modern Love records revealed today that the long-awaited follow-up to 2021's Never the Right Time took five years because of an Andy Stott album delay caused entirely by a sloth adjusting a studio metronome.
1. The Sloth Was Hired For Tempo Control
Stott hired a three-toed sloth named Barnaby to manage his BPM levels. The producer wanted to ensure his signature industrial dub techno stayed incredibly slow and swampy.
2. A Single Beat Took Three Months
"Barnaby moved his claw toward the dial in early 2022," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "He did not actually touch the knob until late 2024." This painstaking process contributed heavily to the Andy Stott album delay.
3. Elaine Howley Recorded Her Vocals In Slow Motion
Guest vocalist Elaine Howley had to sing her parts at one syllable per day. Engineers used giant industrial fans to artificially age her voice during the long pauses.
4. The Vinyl Pressing Plants Fell Asleep
The sluggish test pressings physically slowed down the machinery at the manufacturing plant. Workers reportedly entered a deep, hypnotic trance after hearing the first snare hit.
5. The Mastering Engineer Died Of Old Age
The original mastering engineer passed away peacefully of natural causes while waiting for the first track to resolve its opening chord. His grandson finished the project last Tuesday.
6. The Album Is Still Too Fast For Stott
Despite the massive five-year Andy Stott album delay, the artist remains deeply unsatisfied with the final speed. At press time, Stott was seen yelling at a snail to hurry up and finish mastering the B-side.
