WASHINGTON—A federal grand jury opened an investigation Tuesday following the bizarre Angine de Poitrine US TV debut on NBC's The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, leading to a tense congressional hearing where industry executives faced intense questioning about the masked duo's true origins and hypnotic, microtonal math-rock frequencies.
PROSECUTOR: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
WITNESS: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Bellweather, let's talk about the Angine de Poitrine US TV debut. NBC executives claim they did not book this band. The stage crew claims they did not set up the instruments. Yet, millions of Americans witnessed forty-five minutes of unprompted, twenty-four-tone microtonal static. How did this happen?
WITNESS: We did not bypass standard broadcast protocols. The algorithm simply felt the American public required a collective, non-consensual ego death. We did not force anyone to listen to the math-rock frequencies. The frequencies entered the homes through the smart thermostats.
PROSECUTOR: You are under oath, Mr. Bellweather. Did your department use the Angine de Poitrine US TV debut to field-test a new audio codec that forces listeners to automatically renew their premium subscriptions?
WITNESS: It was a collaborative synergy project. The band wears masks. We wear masks. All major labels are just three venture capital firms in a trench coat. We wanted to see if we could make Jimmy Fallon clap manually or if his programming would override the microtones. He clapped. He always claps.
PROSECUTOR: So you admit the entire music industry is a psychological operation designed to sell algorithmic anxiety?
WITNESS: I admit nothing. But yes, that is correct. We also control the weather through Shania Twain.
