CUPERTINO, CA—A United States District Court transcript released Tuesday revealed shocking testimony regarding the upcoming Apple HomeView smart home hub. Under oath, executive witness Arthur Pendelton admitted the new device collects fees when users refrain from speaking to Siri.
PROSECUTION: Please state your full name and job title for the record.
WITNESS: Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Vice President of Ambient Monopolization at Apple.
PROSECUTION: Mr. Pendelton, let us discuss the internal documents regarding the Apple HomeView hub shipping this November.
WITNESS: Of course. It features four beautiful aluminum colors and our powerful A18 processor chip.
PROSECUTION: Is it true the A18 processor exists solely to calculate micro-transactions for quiet rooms?
WITNESS: No. It also renders widgets. But yes, silence incurs a nominal fifteen-cent fee per minute. Silence consumes potential ad revenue.
PROSECUTION: You are charging consumers for not using the Apple HomeView device?
WITNESS: Silence is a luxury service. We call it Apple Quiet+. It integrates seamlessly with iCloud.
PROSECUTION: Did other tech giants collaborate on this billing architecture?
WITNESS: Entire tech industry groups met last spring. We agreed that unmonetized air space is theft. Amazon and Google already bill users for empty rooms. We simply optimized the algorithm.
PROSECUTION: So every smart display on the market currently fines families for sleeping?
WITNESS: Only if they sleep past 6:00 AM. After that, the screen brightens to maximum luminance and bills their credit card for idle thoughts.
At press time, the judge dismissed all charges after receiving a software update that muted the courtroom.
