CUPERTINO, CA—Tech analysts expect major reveals during the upcoming Apple smart home presentation next week. Leaked supply chain reports suggest a dramatic expansion into everyday household items. Here is what consumers can expect from the company's boldest hardware event yet.
1. The iSink With Automatic Judgment
The new basin monitors your handwashing habits through spatial sensors. It audibly sighs if you rinse for under twenty seconds. You can learn more about proper hygiene from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
2. A Thermostat Controlled Exclusively By Aura
Apple will replace standard temperature dials with a biometric sensor array. The unit gauges your internal anger and adjusts the ambient climate accordingly. "It removes human agency from domestic comfort," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
3. Siri-Enabled Smart Home Deadbolts
The lock refuses to open unless you state your full name and primary life goal. It integrates seamlessly with your local precinct to streamline false alarm responses. The sleek aluminum casing will come in Space Gray and Starlight.
4. An Intelligent Ceiling Fan That Judges Your Outfit
The device spins faster whenever you wear mismatched socks. It communicates directly with your Apple Watch to track your social embarrassment levels. Users can disable the feature for a monthly subscription fee.
5. The Apple Smart Home Domestic Hostage Negotiator
This flagship device locks all your doors when your screen time exceeds four hours. It demands you walk outside and touch actual grass to regain entry. At press time, early testers were seen weeping on their front porches while begging Siri for mercy.
