TO: All Apple Store Retail Associates
FROM: Cupertino Damage Control Division
RE: Threat Level Red: The viral meme mocking iPhone Duo price
We have detected a severe breach in consumer obedience. A viral meme mocking iPhone Duo price tags is currently sweeping global social media networks. This digital rebellion threatens our entire Q4 projection. You must neutralize this threat immediately. Every retail employee must actively gaslight customers who mention the cost.
The New Reality Protocol
Do not allow customers to speak about currency. If a visitor laughs at the $8,000 price point, look them directly in the eyes. Explain that the phone is actually two phones. Therefore, they are saving money by not buying three phones. We need you to aggressively push our new multi-century financing plans.
"We did not design the phone for poor people," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who consulted on the memo. "If a user cannot afford a phone that costs more than a used sedan, that is a personal spiritual failure. We must help them see that debt is a premium feature."
Approved Responses To Laughter
Our analytics show customers are calling the device a 'folding mortgage.' If you hear this joke, do not smile. Memorize these three approved corporate talking points:
First, the outer glass consists of melted-down historical artifacts. Second, the battery utilizes the kinetic energy of underpaid lithium miners. Third, the viral meme mocking iPhone Duo price is actually an unauthorized advertisement. We own the meme. We own the laughter.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Eternal Growth
(Sent from my iPhone Duo Pro Max Foldable, which has already cracked along the seam and cannot be returned because I do not make enough money to work here.)
