CUPERTINO, CA—Apple executives announced a steep 20 percent Apple TV price hike today. The company stated the rate increase will cover the rising cost of human suffering required to keep the platform running. Customers will see the new charges on their next billing cycle.
The Cost of Premium Content
Company officials defended the decision during a press conference at their headquarters. "Premium content requires premium physical sacrifice," said Apple TV spokesperson Harold Vance. Vance explained that the Apple TV price hike direct-funds the new corporate hamster wheel program. This program forces low-level employees to run in giant wheels to generate electricity for the streaming servers.
Subscribers expressed immediate frustration online. Many threatened to cancel their plans. However, industry analysts expect most users to simply accept the financial pain. "People need their background noise," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "They will pay anything to avoid sitting in silence with their own thoughts."
The New Digital Servitude
The company also introduced a new tier called Apple One Pain. This package bundles music, news, and physical labor. Under the new terms, users must sign a digital waiver. This waiver allows Apple to remotely activate their phone cameras to monitor their posture. The Apple terms of service now include a clause demanding weekly blood donations.
At press time, Apple engineers were testing a feature that physically shocks users who try to skip the opening credits.
