TO: All Cupertino Hardware and Software Teams
FROM: Craig Federighi, Senior Vice President of Software Engineering
RE: Implementation of the new Apple WatchOS Update gesture
Team, we must address the feedback on our latest software build. Last month, we removed the App Switcher to encourage mindful living. Users complained. Now, we are bringing it back. The new Apple WatchOS Update features a gesture designed to punish those who refuse to live in the present moment. Multitasking is a disease. We have engineered the cure.
The New Gesture Framework
To open the App Switcher, users must pinch their thumb and pinky together. They must do this while simultaneously rotating their wrist 180 degrees. Finally, they must blink twice. This elegant sequence ensures only the most determined users can escape their current app. We modeled this behavior after classical violin techniques. It is highly ergonomic for trained contortionists. You can read more about standard human anatomy on Wikipedia.
"We wanted to make multitasking feel like a real physical triumph," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, who consulted on the project. "If a user wants to check their heart rate while listening to a podcast, they should have to fight for it. We estimate this gesture will reduce accidental multitasking by 98 percent. It will also increase local clinic visits for wrist sprains."
Deployment Instructions
Please update our retail support documentation immediately. If a customer complains of joint pain, remind them of our commitment to sleek design. The hardware is perfect. The human body is simply outdated. We will not change the code. We expect our users to adapt. We suggest they start wrist flexibility training today to prepare for the public release.
Sincerely, the Management. (Sent from my iPad while ignoring three incoming calls because the button is too hard to reach.)
