WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the upcoming Bibio and Dorian Concept collaborative album after early listeners drifted into the upper atmosphere.
The Levitation Hazard
Government inspectors tested the duo's second single from their joint project Answers. The inspectors confirmed that the song's warm analog synth pads create a localized anti-gravity field. This field detaches human bodies from the earth. The agency issued a Class I recall. This classification means the product causes serious injury or death. Specifically, citizens might float into commercial flight paths.
Affected Units
The recall affects all digital streams, promotional vinyl pressings, and advanced cassette tapes of the Bibio and Dorian Concept collaborative album. "The mix is simply too cozy," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "We noticed a 400% increase in subscribers drifting out of their open sunroofs during the bridge. It is a beautiful way to go, but highly illegal."
Required Remedy
Consumers must immediately stop listening to the Bibio and Dorian Concept collaborative album. To neutralize the anti-gravity effect, safety officials advise playing aggressive, industrial metal at equal volume. This heavy music will anchor your body back to the floor. At press time, federal agents reported that three indie music bloggers were stuck on the ceiling of a coffee shop, refusing to come down until the vinyl ships.
