TO: All Staff
FROM: Gerald Vance, Chief Executive Officer
RE: Urgent directive to pump air into corporate gym facilities
Team, we face a minor operational hiccup. The subterranean wellness center recently experienced a minor hydraulic mishap. Local media outlets, including the CNN wire service, continue to misreport our flooding situation. To maintain our optimal corporate wellness metrics, we will immediately pump air into corporate gym rooms. We must sustain our peak productivity levels during this minor structural displacement.
Atmospheric Stabilization Directives
"We do not view this as a crisis," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This is simply an innovative, high-density aerobic environment. Pumping oxygen into the flooded lower levels ensures our staff remains active. We urge all junior associates to keep their heads above the water line while using the treadmills."
Management expects all employees to log their typical forty hours of weekly cardio. Please ignore any floating debris from the human resources department. The company has secured several industrial compressors to facilitate this transition. Do not let the lack of dry land impact your quarterly targets.
Enhanced breathing protocols
"The buoyancy adds a fantastic resistance element to our pilates classes," said Dr. Brenda Vane, Executive Vice President of Atmospheric Optimization. "We are confident that our staff can hold their breath for the duration of the staff meeting. Our new oxygen delivery tubes will arrive by next Tuesday."
For those worried about the structural integrity of the complex, rest assured. Our legal team is currently reviewing all standard liability waivers. We strongly advise against contacting any external emergency services. We have everything under complete control.
Sincerely,
Gerald Vance
Chief Executive Officer
Dictated from my yacht in the Bahamas. Please do not reply to this email as my satellite internet connection is extremely expensive and I am currently trying to buy a second helicopter.
