TO: All Personnel, USS Abraham Lincoln
FROM: Rear Admiral Arthur Vance, Office of Morale Enforcement
RE: Mandatory Fun Integration Program
Welcome back to dry land. The Navy congratulates you on your record deployment. Leadership understands that months at sea cause stress. Therefore, you will not return to your families immediately. All crew must complete a 30-day Mandatory Fun Integration Program. This program will align your personal goals with corporate Navy synergy.
The Re-Entry Protocol
"We cannot risk sailors returning to civilian life with unapproved thoughts," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our data shows that immediate family contact reduces military compliance by forty percent. The Mandatory Fun Integration Program fixes this." Sailors will participate in daily three-hour trust falls. You will also build towers out of dry spaghetti and marshmallows.
We have scheduled these events in the main hangar. Attendance is not optional. Missing a fun seminar counts as desertion.
Optimizing the Joy Experience
"I just want to see my wife and kids," said Lieutenant Commander Thomas Gentry. Gentry has spent ten months on the USS Abraham Lincoln. "But instead, I have to write a haiku about our core values. They took my duffel bag and replaced it with a name tag that says 'Team Player'."
We hear your feedback, Thomas. We have added a mandatory karaoke night to address your concerns. Your participation has been logged in your permanent file. Please remember that we do this because we care about retaining our human capital. Do not look at the shore. Focus on the whiteboard.
Sincerely,
The Management
(Dictated but not read. Vance's yacht departs for Cabo in ten minutes.)
