WASHINGTON—The National Republican Congressional Committee launched a major PR initiative today following data showing that Iran war support has plummeted to zero percent among domestic foliage. The crucial voter demographic of potted ferns and desk succulents has completely abandoned the party. Analysts warn this botanical shift could devastate GOP candidates in the upcoming midterm elections.
The Ficus Backlash
According to a new study by the Pew Research Center, over ninety percent of indoor greenery now opposes the conflict. "We noticed a severe drop in leaf turgor directly following the recent senate vote," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. Vasquez-Thorne noted that peace lilies across the nation are visibly drooping in protest of continued military funding.
Republican strategists are frantic to mend fences with the green lobby. Several lawmakers have already started playing classical music in their offices to soothe disgruntled ivy. Others have tried misting their plants with premium sparkling water. Despite these efforts, the plants remain unresponsive and stiff.
The Peace Lily Bloc
"Our internal polling shows we are losing the parlor palm vote in key suburban districts," said Harold Vance, Chief Horticultural Liaison for the NRCC. "We need to show these plants that our stance on Iran war support aligns with their natural desire for photosynthesis and quiet. If we lose the sunrooms of America, we lose the House."
At press time, several prominent Republican senators were spotted trying to bribe a dying office bonsai with organic fertilizer in exchange for its silence.
