WASHINGTON—The House Committee on Energy and Commerce convened on Thursday to investigate why major Sunday morning news programs, including CBS News's Face the Nation, completely lack fun little games for guest politicians to play. Lawmakers from both parties expressed deep fatigue with the current format. They demanded to know why senators must endure grueling policy questions instead of participating in lighthearted physical challenges or trivia rounds for charity. The bipartisan coalition argued that the lack of fun little games directly contributes to low national morale.
The Chairman: We will now begin our questioning. Dr. Periwinkle, please state your name and occupation for the record.
Agnes Periwinkle: Agnes Periwinkle. I serve as the Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, though I consult for several Sunday broadcast networks.
The Chairman: Thank you. Dr. Periwinkle, is it true that your industry actively suppresses fun little games during high-stakes political interviews?
Agnes Periwinkle: No, sir. We simply believe that discussing foreign air defense systems requires a serious, somber tone. We do not think a Plinko board is appropriate for that discussion.
The Chairman: Why not? Do you think the American people want to hear about military logistics? Or do they want to see a senior senator from Connecticut try to drop a pink disc into a high-scoring slot to win a free jet ski for a school in Hartford? Answer the question.
Agnes Periwinkle: Well, when you put it that way, the jet ski does sound more engaging.
The Chairman: It is highly engaging. Yet, your industry continues to broadcast dry, fifty-minute monologues. Our staff uncovered a memo from your office. It explicitly bans the use of a giant spinning wheel during policy debates. Why do you hate joy, Dr. Periwinkle?
Agnes Periwinkle: The wheel was deemed a distraction. Senator Blumenthal almost got his tie caught in it during a rehearsal.
The Chairman: That would have been incredible television. Instead, you gave us talking points. You are ruining the republic to save a necktie.
Agnes Periwinkle: We also worried about the legal liabilities of the dunk tank. We cannot drop the Secretary of State into five hundred gallons of lukewarm water just because he missed a question about the federal deficit.
The Chairman: That is exactly what the public wants. You are admitting to a industry-wide conspiracy to keep Sunday morning television incredibly boring.
Agnes Periwinkle: I would not call it a conspiracy. We just thought the news was supposed to be informative.
The Chairman: I have no further questions for this witness. May God have mercy on your dry, game-free soul.