SAN FRANCISCO—A Senate judiciary hearing took a bizarre turn Thursday during testimony regarding the proposed California billionaire tax, as tech executives defended their wealth. The transcript reveals how top industry leaders systematically avoid the tax by legally redefining their financial status. Senator Bernie Sanders spearheaded the inquiry, aiming to expose the absurd loopholes used by Silicon Valley elite to shield their fortunes from the state.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Sterling, you claimed zero taxable income last year despite owning three superyachts and a private volcano. How does that align with the new California billionaire tax guidelines?
WITNESS: That is simple. I do not own those assets. My emotional support corporation owns them. I am merely a tenant who pays rent in the form of pure, unfiltered vibes.
PROSECUTOR: You paid your rent in 'vibes'?
WITNESS: Yes. My lawyers assured me that vibes are not recognized as legal tender by the Franchise Tax Board. Therefore, my taxable income remains exactly zero dollars.
PROSECUTOR: Let the record show the witness is wearing a gold-plated tuxedo. Mr. Sterling, the California billionaire tax specifically targets individuals with net worths exceeding one billion dollars. Your personal brokerage account holds $4.2 billion.
WITNESS: That is a common misconception. That money belongs to a future version of myself who has not been born yet. I am merely holding it in trust for my next incarnation. You cannot tax a reincarnated soul.
PROSECUTOR: Is it true that you and other executives hired Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, to help draft these legal definitions?
WITNESS: Yes. Wren helped us realize that 'billionaire' is actually just a state of mind. On paper, I identify as a broke college student who eats instant ramen. The yachts are just for visual therapy to treat my acute wealth-induced anxiety.
PROSECUTOR: So you are telling this court that the entire Silicon Valley tech sector has escaped the California billionaire tax by simply pretending to be sad?
WITNESS: It is a very deep, very expensive sadness. We even bought a shared island to cry on.
