NEW YORK—Singer-songwriter Danz CM recently announced her highly anticipated new LP. However, the release of this ambitious record, titled The Interdimensional Extraterrestrial Time Travelers Society, faces major bureaucratic hurdles. Government agencies across multiple centuries have flagged the project for temporal transit violations.
1. The 18th-century copyright dispute
Attorneys representing Johann Sebastian Bach filed a cease-and-desist order in 1721. They claim the vintage synthesizer tones on the new Danz CM album infringe on future harpsichord patents. The legal team demands all royalties paid in gold doubloons.
2. Customs delays at the Andromeda portal
Interstellar border agents seized the master tapes of the new Danz CM album. They claim the frequency of the analog basslines disrupts local gravitational pull. The artist must now file a Form 88-B with the Milky Way Transit Authority.
3. Chronological licensing fees
"Every time loop requires a separate distribution license," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. Quill noted that streaming platforms do not support payouts for listeners who do not exist yet.
4. Vinyl pressing shortages in the year 3045
Manufacturers in the far future report a massive shortage of liquid-crystal vinyl compounds. This shortage delays the deluxe holographic edition of the new Danz CM album by at least four centuries.
5. The artist has to go back and prevent herself from signing the record contract in the first place
To bypass these cosmic regulations, Danz CM must build a working wormhole. She plans to travel back to 2010 to warn her younger self to just get a degree in accounting instead.
