TO: All Staff
FROM: Richard Vance, Executive Director of Synergy Logistics
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Immediate Cessation of Market Monitoring During Core Hours
It has come to my attention that staff are neglecting their primary duties to watch stock charts. Recent market events concerning Micron Technology have caused a severe drop in our quarterly output. We understand that new market data and Micron pose key tests to your personal portfolios. However, they also pose a direct threat to our client deliverables. You must close your trading tabs immediately.
The Illusion of Excel
Our IT department reports that 84% of active Excel windows are actually disguised Robinhood widgets. "We caught one analyst who mapped his candlestick charts to look like a pivot table," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. This behavior stops today. We do not pay you to sweat over semiconductor earnings. We pay you to move numbers from one digital box to another slightly different digital box.
The current market volatility does not excuse your empty desks. We noticed several of you screaming in the breakroom during the morning bell. This creates a hostile work environment for those trying to microwave their fish.
New Monitoring Protocols
Starting tomorrow, we will implement new screen-tracking software. If your screen shows more green or red than blue, your monitor will lock automatically. "We need our staff focused on logistics, not leverage," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass, who we hired to consult on office noise reduction. Calhoun noted that the collective sighing of forty day traders is damaging our dry-wall integrity.
Please remember that we value your contribution to this company. We simply value it more when you are not actively trying to retire by 3:00 PM. Let us pass these Micron pose key tests together by focusing entirely on our logistics spreadsheets.
Sincerely,
Richard Vance
Dictated but not read while checking my own E-Trade account in the executive bathroom.
