NEW YORK— Major telecom stocks plummeted Thursday following intense Starlink fears that prompted industry leaders to abandon cellular infrastructure entirely. Panicked executives hastily deployed thousands of miles of string across Manhattan to maintain basic corporate communications.
A Low-Orbit Crisis
Boardrooms across the country descended into chaos as SpaceX announced new satellite capabilities. Shares of major wireless carriers tanked within minutes. Financial experts urged calm, but corporate leadership chose immediate, primitive panic instead.
"We must adapt before space lasers vaporize our cell towers," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "I advised my clients to liquidate their 5G holdings and invest heavily in soup cans. Campbell's stock is up 400% today."
String Infrastructure Collapse
By noon, corporate vice presidents were seen shouting into standard-issue aluminum cans strung between skyscraper windows. The makeshift network suffered immediate degradation when a flock of pigeons landed on the main line connecting Wall Street to Midtown.
"The sound quality is surprisingly clear, provided nobody walks through the string," said Arthur Pendelton, Chief Carrier Panic Officer at Verizon. "We are currently evaluating yarn as a potential high-bandwidth alternative to address our ongoing Starlink fears."
At press time, telecom executives were spotted digging trenches down Broadway to lay down secret smoke signal networks.
