TO: All Terminal Staff
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation Tourism
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Mandatory operations shift for the new Dolly Parton Airport
Management requires immediate compliance with the brand guidelines for the newly christened Dolly Parton Airport. Starting Monday, we replace all standard metal detectors. Passengers will now pass through giant, illuminated acoustic guitar frames. TSA agents must wear sequined vests. Officers will ask travelers to sing the chorus of 'Jolene' to verify identity.
The Rhinestone Security Protocol
Our partners at The Country Music Hall of Fame approved these safety upgrades. Do not use standard grey plastic bins. We now require woven picnic baskets for carry-on items. If a passenger brings more than three ounces of liquid, pour it into a commemorative mason jar. Our goal remains absolute Southern hospitality mixed with federal authority.
We expect heavy passenger volume during the transition to the Dolly Parton Airport. Staff must greet every traveler with a warm 'Howdy.' If you fail to smile, we will dock your pay. We are replacing the standard terminal white noise with automated banjo fingerpicking. This keeps travelers calm during three-hour flight delays.
Butterfly Boarding Zones
"The old airport layout lacked theatricality," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and current airport advisor. "We tuned the tarmac to vibrate in the key of G-major. Every landing gear touchdown now sounds like a steel guitar slide. We also replaced the sirens with Dolly's iconic laugh."
Please note that we have canceled all flights to Jolene, Texas. We did this to avoid emotional distress on the tarmac. At press time, airport officials admitted the entire rebrand is just a massive tax write-off to fund a giant, 500-foot statue of Dolly that shoots real fireworks from her hair.
