TO: All OpenAI Staff
FROM: Office of the CEO
RE: Delaying the OpenAI rules out IPO initiative
Team, we must clarify our stance on the public markets. We decided that the OpenAI rules out IPO strategy is our safest path forward. Some claim we fear artificial general intelligence. That is incorrect. We actually fear public investors who understand basic subtraction. Our current valuation relies on vibes and beautiful dreams.
The Threat of Quarterly Reports
"Public markets require things like balance sheets and revenue," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense joined our advisory board last week. "If the public sees your actual math, the magic spell breaks. We must protect humanity from this dark knowledge." We agree with Gordon. Ignorance remains our strongest asset.
We must keep our financial data classified. If a retail investor looks at our server costs, they might panic. We want to prevent global panic. Our servers currently consume the electrical output of a small European nation. We pay for this with hope and venture capital.
New Safety Guidelines
"We cannot risk the public asking where the money went," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who consulted on our messaging. "Keep telling them the robot will become sentient next month. That always distracts them from the cash burn rate."
Please delete all spreadsheets containing real numbers. Replace them with PowerPoint slides of outer space. If anyone asks about our path to profitability, tell them the AI will figure that out once it learns how to love. Thank you for your silence.
