TO: All Regional Reserve Banks
FROM: Office of the Chairman
RE: Hiking interest rates with physical hiking boots
Staff must prepare for immediate action. Inflation remains too high. We must implement a literal approach to Federal Reserve policy. Standard fiscal tools have failed us. We will now begin hiking interest rates with physical hiking boots.
Stomping on the Economy
"We bought five thousand pairs of rugged trail shoes," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "We ordered them directly from REI. Staff will physically stomp on local ledger books. This physical pressure will crush consumer demand. It is science."
The policy requires all regional presidents to wear heavy footwear. They must stomp on bank vaults. They must jump on treasury bonds. If a bond does not yield, they must stomp harder. This is the only way to ensure we are hiking interest rates with physical hiking boots.
Muddying the Ledger
"My heels are blistered but my resolve is firm," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who serves as an advisor to the board. "We hiked up three flights of stairs carrying the national debt. We then threw it into a muddy creek. The economy is cooling rapidly."
We expect some scuff marks on the national credit rating. Do not clean them. The dirt shows the market that we mean business. We must put our foot down. Literally. Please submit your shoe size to HR by Friday so we can continue hiking interest rates with physical hiking boots.
SIGNED: The Management (We lost billions on crypto and need to look like we are doing something).
