NASHVILLE—The ongoing federal inquiry into the music industry took a bizarre turn on Tuesday as prosecutors entered a shocking transcript into evidence regarding the tragic news of Dolly Parton dead at 80. The litigation focuses on intellectual property theft and unauthorized digital replication. The following official court transcript excerpt details the testimony of Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. Under intense questioning, Dr. Mbeki-Ransome slowly exposed how major labels manage aging country music icons.
Q: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome, did your institute consult on the digital contingency plans for the report of Dolly Parton dead at 80?
A: Yes. We drafted the protocols. Major labels do not view mortality as a contract termination. We prepared several synthetic vocal models at Dollywood years ago.
Q: Are you saying the industry prepared to fake her continued existence?
A: Faking is a harsh word. We prefer 'continuous market presence.' We built three autonomous robotic Dollys. They possess advanced rhinestones and high-fidelity laughter loops.
Q: Did you implement this technology for other artists on RCA Records?
A: Of course. We have kept several 1970s outlaw country stars operational through basic steam-powered animatronics. The public never notices. We just grease the joints during guitar solos.
Q: So the announcement of Dolly Parton dead at 80 was delayed to calibrate these machines?
A: Yes. The Wi-Fi in the Great Smoky Mountains is notoriously spotty. The Dolly-Bot 3000 required a critical firmware update to properly render the high notes on 'I Will Always Love You.'
Q: Is anyone in the current Top 40 actually a living human being?
A: I am not legally allowed to answer that. However, I advise you not to pour water on any pop star currently touring stadium venues.
