TO: All EA Music Division Staff
FROM: Gary Vance, VP of Global Ear-Share Strategy
RE: The EA Sports FC 27 soundtrack and our upcoming South American expansion
Team, please review these instructions regarding the EA Sports FC 27 soundtrack immediately. We have secured twelve Argentine artists for the new game. This puts Argentina ahead of almost every other nation on Earth. Our data shows that gamers buy more digital jerseys when listening to high-tempo Spanish vocals. Do not question this logic.
Deploy the Rhythm
We need Nathy Peluso and Maria Becerra on every menu screen. Players must hear these tracks during every controller configuration. "We discovered that Argentine beats increase user heart rates by twelve percent," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "This level of anxiety makes gamers ninety percent more likely to purchase virtual soccer cleats."
Please ensure that no French or British artists get prime placement over our Argentine partners. The EA Sports FC 27 soundtrack must feel like a Buenos Aires nightclub. If a user tries to mute the music, trigger an automatic penalty kick against their team.
The Final Goal
"We tried putting smooth jazz in the menus once," said Monica Geller-Platt, EA's Director of Audio Retention. "Gamers simply fell asleep and forgot to buy our digital trading cards. Now we use heavy bass to keep them awake for forty-eight hours straight." Keep the bass high and the menus confusing.
Please delete this email after reading. We cannot let the public know we are using the EA Sports FC 27 soundtrack to subliminally sell digital socks.
