RIYADH—The kingdom of Saudi Arabia recently realized it has run out of traditional geopolitical moves in the Middle East. Analysts claim the ongoing Saudi Arabia conflict options have dwindled to a handful of increasingly bizarre, non-military strategies. With pressure mounting from international partners, regional leaders are scrambling to find any viable path forward.
1. Relocating the Entire Red Sea
Military planners proposed digging a brand-new trench across the empty quarter of the desert to bypass current shipping hazards. "We just need to move the water," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Officials believe they can complete the excavation using three million gold-plated shovels by next Tuesday.
2. Challenging Adversaries to a Dance-Off
Diplomats drafted a formal peace treaty that can only be unlocked if both parties perform a synchronized routine. The kingdom hired top Hollywood choreographers to train its elite infantry units in the art of the tango. The state department hopes that a display of raw, emotional movement will soothe decades of geopolitical tension.
3. Declaring the Shipping Lanes 'Infested with Cooties'
Public relations experts advised the government to simply declare the disputed waters socially unacceptable. "If we say the strait has cooties, nobody will want to sail there anyway," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has already printed three million warning posters featuring a drawing of a giant, green germ.
4. Building a Giant Mirror to Deflect Bad Energy
Engineers began drafting plans for a massive, 400-mile-long glass wall along the southern border. The structure will not stop physical threats but is designed to bounce negative vibes back to their source. Project managers claim the mirror will also make the desert look twice as big on Instagram.
5. Pretending the Entire Middle East is Just a Dream
Riyadh officials are currently drafting a royal decree stating that all regional conflicts since 2015 were merely a collective nightmare. Citizens will be instructed to wake up, stretch, and pretend they live in Luxembourg. At press time, the king was seen frantically googling how to return a slightly used fleet of fighter jets for store credit.
